It's about the small things

Right now, I am in the middle of the South Pacific Ocean. Our ship is days from land. Wow – not many people can ever say they have been here. That feels special. It’s a small but powerful realization. On my last voyage I had moments like this all time. Small moments when the enormity of the experience or the uniqueness of the moment or the privilege of the opportunity would strike me and hit deep to my core.

I am blowing bubbles on a street in Saigon with a 3 year old boy…I’m eating lunch at a Chinese family’s home in Shanghai…I am standing on the fields where thousands of Cambodians were killed just a few decades ago…I am really witnessing the beauty of Angkor Wat…I am watching the stars light up the night sky in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean…I just negotiated a ride with a rickshaw driver in India…I am sleeping in a tent in Kenya and the Maasai Warriors are keeping watch over camp….I am in a remote village in Brazil buying pottery…I am in the jungle watching Macaws fly over head…I am witnessing an amazing sunset in the Indian Ocean. It was these small moments that made my last voyage for me.

It was a lesson I took with me from that voyage. Over the last two and half years I have tried to be intentional about finding and celebrating the small moments in life. Sitting on the beach… walking home from work with friends….playing in blanket tents with Parker and Campbell…running on Boathouse row or in front of the Art Museum. These are the moments that make life….well life.

I came into this second voyage ready to soak in all of the small moments of awe and wonder that happen when you travel around the world. I have shared with all of you the struggles I have had with this current voyage. The work stresses, the disorganization, the chaos and insanity, my struggle to decide to stick with next semester. Last month when we were in Panama a realization hit me harder than any of those stressors or frustrations. It hit me that I wasn’t enjoying the little moments. In Portugal I didn’t have one moment when I thought, “Am I really here? How lucky am I?” We crossed the Atlantic Ocean during exceptionally calm seas and I didn’t get outside once to take in that sight. When we came through the Panama Canal I wasn’t outside witnessing that feat for more than 30 minutes the entire day (and it took an entire day to get through the canal). Even when I did try to take the time to find those moments I was so exhausted and stressed there was no joy, there was no awe. In fact, during the Canal crossing I fought back tears as I watched us go through one of the Canal locks because I realized that I was so stressed that I just didn’t care. How could I not care about going through the Panama Canal? How could I not be awed by the opportunity?

This realization is the one that really sent me spinning with regards to whether or not I should stay on the ship for next semester. It left me feeling very defeated – the question was not could I handle it? Or could I make it better or would I be running away? The questions became: If I’m not enjoying the little moments than why am I here? What was the point? Why was a sacrificing the joys at home if I wasn’t finding joy in even the tiniest moments? It made it feel like the answer was clear and I just needed to come to terms with that reality.

All along I said that I couldn’t and shouldn’t judge this experience or make any decisions until after Ecuador when our work pace could level off a bit. Smart decision. Last week when we were Ecuador – I had a moment. I was on a bus on the way to Cuenca when I thought to myself, “I am on a bus headed for the Andes Mountains in the middle of Ecuador – wow, how cool?”. Small thought, but a big moment. I felt it coming back - the excitement, the wonder and the awe. It was ever so small – just a tiny spark, a split second but it gave me such hope. Could it be that I still had it in me to find and soak in the small moments? I hadn’t been shattered beyond repair with regards to this particular experience?

Since then I have felt more tiny sparks reminding me that this experience is special and unique. They are slow to come and few and far between but those moments are starting to come back to me. I’m hoping that I can keep the momentum going. The frustrations, stressors and disappointment in decisions being made all still exist but they seem a million times more bearable when I have those little moments to take away.

Thanks for listening - I hope that you are finding the tiny moments of wander, awe and gratitude in your day!

Love and missing
Christy