Taking Time

I apologize for the long delay in postings. The summer just flew by and I can’t believe it’s already the end of October. I have no idea where the time has gone. Time literally seems to fly at warp speed when you are not working full time.

And let me tell you - all this time off has been quite amazing! So what have I been doing? Basically I’ve been doing the simple things. When the summer began and the economy and job market weren’t looking so hot I made a decision – if I was going to be unemployed for any significant length of time I had to put this time to good use and not just sit around waiting for a job to come along. I committed to myself that I was going to do all the things everyone always wants to do but can never find enough time to do.

So what is that for me? Lots of things – soaking up the sun on the beach…reading good books…staying up late to watch the Olympics (and now the Phillies!!)…cooking big dinners (and having it on the table before 7pm)…taking every exercise class under the sun…sleeping late…enjoying every little giggle and new development in little Zach’s life…delighting in getting to see him almost everyday…having him smile when I walk in the room…spending a week with Parker and Campbell rather than just a brief, fleeting weekend…stopping by the Four Seasons to visit my old colleagues before heading off to NYC for a spontaneous weekend in the city…I could go on and on.

Being able to help out with the small things and being more spontaneous has been especially nice. Stay at my sister and brother-in-law’s all day while the painter is working? No problem! Come over to watch Zach while my sister showers and cleans the house or just takes a nap? Give me 20 minutes and I’m there! Drag my suitcase from the train station to center city to have brunch with a friend before hauling it back to the station to catch my train? Cake! Take an extra day to get home from Williamsburg so I can stay overnight in Baltimore and catch up with my college roommate? Of course! Decide just two weeks before to join my grad school roommate on her road trip to Nova Scotia to work on an organic farm for two weeks? Yup – did it! The freedom to help out at the drop of a hat and plan things at the very last minute has been fabulous.

I did have some specific goals during this time. The first is one I’ve already mentioned – spending time with friends and family. When absorbed into real life it is always difficult to make time to catch up with everyone – especially when there is travel involved. With at least four trips to NYC, three trips to Williamsburg, three trips to Baltimore, two trips to Canada and probably 10+ trips to Philly already logged along with the countless hours with Zach and the family I think I’ve been fairly successful in hitting this goal.

My second goal was to focus on my fitness. I’ve always had great hopes of exercising every day but sadly reality usually falls much below that when I’m living in a “normal” work world. In July I broke down and decided to suck up the cost to join a gym. Since then I have been working out 5-6 days a week – boot camp, circuit training, cardio, yoga, pilates, and weightlifting every week. I’m probably in the best shape of my life right now and it feels great. I’m really hoping I can keep the momentum going when I’m eventually back in the “real world”.

Now before you start getting too jealous I can tell you that life is not all hearts and flowers. Having to look for a job while no money is coming in, no home to call my own and a job market that just seems to keep spiraling into deeper and deeper pits of despair can be downright depressing at times. Job searching while being unemployed can wreak havoc on your confidence and feel like things are moving slower than molasses (if at all). I’ll sometimes go two or three weeks without finding any worthwhile job prospects and then when I don’t hear anything back from the ones I do apply for the little spark that was there gets totally trampled. It can be tiresome and it is definitely an emotional rollercoaster. I’ve definitely had my fair share of moments of doubt, frustration and fear. But, overall, I have to say I’m pretty proud at how I’ve been managing this search. I don’t think I’ve slipped into desperation mode – applying for anything and everything and entertaining the idea of positions or places that would be a terrible fit for me. That can so easily happen when you are searching while unemployed. I know that I just have to continue to be diligent in my search and, more than anything, I have to be patient while I seek out the “right fit”.

As I sit here typing and thinking about the last six months I’m realizing that there has been some progress on the job front. As each job prospect comes and goes and I seek out new resources or explore new things my thoughts and feelings about what I want to do and where I want to be have slowly been evolving, defining and redifining themselves. Can I tell you right now exactly what I want to do or where I want to be? Of course not. But the best decisions I’ve made in my life have been made on instinct – they just felt right – and, thankfully, they always were. Despite that, believe it or not, I struggle to hear and listen to my instinct. So as more and more time passes, I’m trying to listen more and more deeply for that voice throughout this process. And, I am finding it easier to hear it as time goes on.

Sounds easy, right? Well not always. I may be hearing the voice more clearly but it’s not always easy to listen and to obey what that voice is telling me. How do I turn down a job prospect that would pay me loads of money; move me to a warm, beautiful, exotic place; and offer challenging work? Especially when there are no other prospects in the picture? Not easily – I’ll tell you that. But in the end if it doesn’t feel like it would be the right fit for me I just can’t go forward with it. SOOOOO not easy when fear and stress are trying constantly to stifle that voice and contradict it with all the reasons why I need to just get a job.

So how do I combat fear and stress and all of the messages that they send me? First off, as that voice from within gets clearer and stronger it gets easier to trust it and listen to it. If something feels right I need to go with it and if something doesn’t feel right I need to let it go – all other evidence be damned. Secondly, instinct has never steered me wrong before. There have been times when people have thought I was crazy to take a certain position or switch fields but trusting myself and my instinct has always paid off in spades. I also know that if I don’t listen to that voice and take a job that doesn’t feel like the right fit for me I will pay for it later. Whatever uneasiness or apprehension I have will only grow and could ultimately lead to me feeling like I made a mistake or a bad decision.

So for all those reasons I know that I just have to stay knee deep in the uncertainty and doubts for now, knowing that eventually things will become clear and the right fit will come along. Sounds magical, right? I wish there was some magic involved but in reality it’s messy, self-esteem-pummeling and just plain icky. BUT I know that this is all part of the process. All things happen for a reason – even this long transition period. I’m supposed to learn something here. I’m supposed to focus on fitness, cherish my time with friends and family, keep exploring job options, expand my mind by reading more, reflect more, and come up with some new goals for the next couple of months. Somewhere in all of that I know and trust that I will discover the path I’m supposed to take next in this journey called life – I will find the “right fit” that is next for me.