Tough Decisions

I need to apologize to my once faithful readers for my neglect and broken promises. For many months I haven’t been in the right mental space for writing. Why is that? There are many reasons but the main reason is because I’ve been going through a bit of a struggle the last few months. It turns out that the job in NYC was a horribly bad fit for me. Actually, the job itself wasn’t a bad fit but the organization and its current state was a horribly bad fit for me.

In any job I’ve ever held, no matter how challenging or frustrating, I’ve always felt like I was growing in some way and adding value to the organization. I did not experience either one in this job. I felt like I was constantly spinning my wheels, not doing my best work and generally operating super far from my highest and my best. I did not like who I was there. Working for this organization mentally, emotionally and physically drained me down to zero, suffocated my soul, decimated my confidence and crushed my spirit. All this didn’t allow me any physical or mental energy to enjoy this tremendous city I live in, nor did it allow me to have much of a life outside of work. I enjoy working hard and putting in the time when I feel like I am truly contributing and adding value but when I don’t then what’s the point?

Well if you haven’t guessed from all the past tense talk above I recently resigned my position. It was a very tough decision but one that I feel very good about now. Ironically, with all of my lamenting about not contributing or adding value, when people started finding out I was leaving an overwhelming number shared with me that I had had a tremendous impact on them and the place even in my short time there. Luckily I made this decision for all the right reasons so this feedback did not make me waiver in my decision – I knew that the damage being done to me was more of a sacrifice than I was willing to make to “stick it out”. The awareness of what the job was doing to me mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually is also what led me to decide to resign without another job lined up.

Crazy, but true. So what’s next for me? At the end of July I am packing up and moving back to NJ. I’m actually kind of sad to be leaving NYC so soon but realistically I don’t think NYC is where I’m meant to end up permanently and if I stayed up here I’d be penniless within two months without a job. So it’s back to South Jersey for me. I’m actually feeling quite optimistic and hopeful for the future (despite this depressing economy) and feel like I have a TOTALLY different perspective on job searching and the search for what I’m meant to do next than I did when I came home from the ship last year.

I don’t regret my decision to take this job or move to NYC. Unfortunately I was working for this organization during an exceptionally tumultuous time and I do believe it is on the path to better days. Sadly my head and heart were just not it in to stick it out through the badness. It just wasn’t worth the risk of it permanently damaging me, and I’m also not sure that even on the other side there would be enough to sustain and fulfill me.

I am thankful and appreciative of this experience because it’s given me clarity about what I need and want in life. It has also given me a total perspective shift about this next period of exploration and job searching. Like I said I am feeling hopeful, optimistic and focused.

Stay tuned for future posts with updates on my move and progress on my vision quest for what’s next. I feel my creative and mental energy coming back!